In the beginning of this year, I
wrote a two-part article on “Decisions and Following God” (
part 1 and
part 2).
Since my heart-sharing today fits in with those two articles, this could almost
be a completely unplanned “Part 3” of the series. Little did I know that the
principles I covered in those articles would be tested in a very real way in my
life. In fact, as I prepare to write this, I’m re-reading the articles and
almost crying—because
today I know
more what it’s like to
live what I
wrote. Were I to write those articles today, I might add something like, “Be
prepared to have your ship rocked, your world turned upside-down, your emotions
a roller-coaster ride, and your heart freaking out!” Okay, so maybe not everyone
responds to change the way I do. But when I wrote,
“Now is a time for activesteps and changing,” my brain was gearing toward teaching piano and violin full
time and becoming a “circuit teacher.” The more I prayed about those options, I
sensed God honing my thoughts: I didn’t just need to pour out music, I also needed
to get back into receiving music instruction so I could be better equipped to help others. The answer was completely not
what I was anticipating. College.
College? Really?
As I began telling my friends and
family of this decision, it made sense to them. They were all excited. Me? Oh
sure, it made sense—and it excited me to so how many, many ways college was
answering a lot of prayers for direction. But I was petrified. While everyone
else saw all of the benefits, I highlighted all of the changes I’d have to make
in my life (
“I’m the girl who likes life to stay the same.”), and how many,
many things I’d have to either eliminate or minimize. Because, unlike kids
leaving high school and entering college, I have had ten years in which my life
has been established outside of school. In fact, my world was rocked just a short four years ago,
when my entire family moved from one state to another (during which,
consequently, I had to leave my
first set of music students behind). Two years ago we finished building our
house, and since then, I had gradually been settling into a new, established
life in my new location. I was finally feeling settled. So college? Now?
In three days, my decision was
made. Three days. I am not impulsive.
Invite me over, and it will take me a month (or a year) to actually get there.
One Saturday, I was talking to a friend casually about the college. At this
point, I still wasn’t seriously thinking college, but that night, since it was
all fresh on my mind, I wrote out the pros and cons to be praying about. I got
on the college website to solidify a question only to see that the deadline for
some paperwork was the following Friday—in six days. The next night, I talked
with my parents (and found them to be fully supportive and maybe more excited
than I). And on the third day, I was walking campus (a local college, just a few miles from home). That was March 5. It has
taken almost the rest of March for me to actually be “okay” with the idea of
college.
In this time of change, like
many times before, God has brought me face-to-face with a lot of spiritual
issues whose extent I didn’t even realize existed in my life. Pride has surfaced
in a dozen new ways. Worry rose in my heart (Worry? I’m not a worrier! Or wasn’t…). I grappled for control of
the reins. I saw the word “trust” in a new light. So many issues I thought I
had victory over resurfaced (I’d gotten over being a workaholic—until I needed
to do an entire Algebra book in six weeks).
In the middle of decisions and
following God, life isn’t always a smooth ride. But, even in the midst of the
inner turmoil I was facing, I knew. I knew
that this was what God was leading me to do in this season of life. How
could I be so certain, yet have such a hard time with it?
I didn’t want to let go of my
life. Reworking my entire life’s schedule cost me more than what some people
can even imagine (unless you’re a big planner in a finally-established life). The
reality that, instead of building my music studio, I would have to drop some
students, threatened to tear my heart in two. Realizing that my writing would be
even more limited than it is today overwhelmed me. Not to mention that the
family-time I was learning to actively attain would be interrupted by
college-work. Some people say I’m just preparing for the worst. My family knows
me, though. They have seen me as I’ve struggled to overcome my work-obsession
and they know the temptations that I’ll face with becoming a full-time student.
Words fail to articulate the flood of thoughts that have passed through my mind
in the last three weeks. It all boiled down to one thing, though: surrender.
This was a new angle of
surrender that I didn’t even realize was needed in my life. In fact, I didn’t
even realize that surrender was the issue until this week, when I texted all of
my students’ parents to notify them of my fall plans. As soon as the last
parent was texted and everyone now knew (and was wholly supportive of) the
change in my schedule, I felt the calm peace that I had longed to accompany the
assurance God had given me. It wasn’t the action of texting the parents that did it,
though. It was because, as I was texting, I was also releasing it all to God. I
had surrendered the writing-time. I had communicated with my family about my
concerns about our limited time together. But until the point when I texted all
of my student families, I hadn’t let them go in my heart. “Teaching is my life”
was close to true for me, and I had refused to honestly acknowledge that I
couldn’t do college and keep every single student. Last weekend when I was
talking to my sister-in-law about it, she said, “So, you’ll just have to say, ‘God,
You’ve got to work this out for me.’” I actually told her, “I’m scared to do
that—what if He takes away the ones I don’t want Him to?” Yes, it was an issue
of surrender.
In all of this, though, there
has definitely been more than struggle and challenges. There is the assurance
that where God leads, He will keep me. There is the beauty of seeing answered
prayers. There is the incomparable comfort of Scripture. There is the blessing
of the amazing support from everyone I know. There are the prayers of others on
my behalf. There is the peace in knowing that God has clearly led me to take
this step. There are so many, many things for which I’m daily grateful in this
season of life. It has been hard (It would be a lie to not admit it), but it
has also been a beautiful season. And, as I am going through it, I have seen
others who are also experiencing this “season of change”—and it makes me grateful
to know that none of us are in this alone. We have each other, but above that,
we have God as our guide.
Nevertheless I am continually
with thee: thou hast holden me by my right hand. Thou shalt
guide me with thy counsel, and afterward receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon
earth that I desire beside thee. My flesh
and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for
ever. For, lo, they that are far from
thee shall perish: thou hast destroyed all them that go a whoring from thee.
But it is good for me to draw near to God: I
have put my trust in the Lord GOD, that I may declare all thy works. Psalm 73:23-28
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On a personal note to my blog-readers, in saying all of this, blogging may be one of the things I need to cut out. For the next month, for sure, I'm going to be doing minimal blogging as I do have that deadline in which to get Algebra done (I'm hoping to test out of remedial math so I only have to do the one college Algebra required for a music major).
Cute cartoon animals illustrate the pages of this book as
the reader explores the farm, making animal sounds, and telling them all goodnight.
It begins with an overview of the farm then travels to say goodnight to the
pigs, cows, horses, cats, sheep, chickens, and mice. I have to say that I loved
the two little mice who scampered across the pages of this book. 
