"Lord, are You Sure?" (Decisions and Following God | Part 3)

In the beginning of this year, I wrote a two-part article on “Decisions and Following God” (part 1 and part 2). Since my heart-sharing today fits in with those two articles, this could almost be a completely unplanned “Part 3” of the series. Little did I know that the principles I covered in those articles would be tested in a very real way in my life. In fact, as I prepare to write this, I’m re-reading the articles and almost crying—because today I know more what it’s like to live what I wrote. Were I to write those articles today, I might add something like, “Be prepared to have your ship rocked, your world turned upside-down, your emotions a roller-coaster ride, and your heart freaking out!” Okay, so maybe not everyone responds to change the way I do. But when I wrote, “Now is a time for activesteps and changing,” my brain was gearing toward teaching piano and violin full time and becoming a “circuit teacher.” The more I prayed about those options, I sensed God honing my thoughts: I didn’t just need to pour out music, I also needed to get back into receiving music instruction so I could be better equipped to help others. The answer was completely not what I was anticipating. College.

College? Really?

As I began telling my friends and family of this decision, it made sense to them. They were all excited. Me? Oh sure, it made sense—and it excited me to so how many, many ways college was answering a lot of prayers for direction. But I was petrified. While everyone else saw all of the benefits, I highlighted all of the changes I’d have to make in my life (“I’m the girl who likes life to stay the same.”), and how many, many things I’d have to either eliminate or minimize. Because, unlike kids leaving high school and entering college, I have had ten years in which my life has been established outside of school. In fact, my world was rocked just a short four years ago, when my entire family moved from one state to another (during which, consequently, I had to leave my first set of music students behind). Two years ago we finished building our house, and since then, I had gradually been settling into a new, established life in my new location. I was finally feeling settled. So college? Now?

Even though I had written, “The first step is to save for and purchase my own vehicle. The second step may be to getsome long-distance studios set up. Or…God may change the direction after I takemy first step,” I didn’t know. College wasn’t on my radar. But, I believe without a doubt that it was on God’s. I knew change was going to happen—I just didn’t know to what extent.

In three days, my decision was made. Three days. I am not impulsive. Invite me over, and it will take me a month (or a year) to actually get there. One Saturday, I was talking to a friend casually about the college. At this point, I still wasn’t seriously thinking college, but that night, since it was all fresh on my mind, I wrote out the pros and cons to be praying about. I got on the college website to solidify a question only to see that the deadline for some paperwork was the following Friday—in six days. The next night, I talked with my parents (and found them to be fully supportive and maybe more excited than I). And on the third day, I was walking campus (a local college, just a few miles from home). That was March 5. It has taken almost the rest of March for me to actually be “okay” with the idea of college.

In this time of change, like many times before, God has brought me face-to-face with a lot of spiritual issues whose extent I didn’t even realize existed in my life. Pride has surfaced in a dozen new ways. Worry rose in my heart (Worry? I’m not a worrier! Or wasn’t…). I grappled for control of the reins. I saw the word “trust” in a new light. So many issues I thought I had victory over resurfaced (I’d gotten over being a workaholic—until I needed to do an entire Algebra book in six weeks).

In the middle of decisions and following God, life isn’t always a smooth ride. But, even in the midst of the inner turmoil I was facing, I knew. I knew that this was what God was leading me to do in this season of life. How could I be so certain, yet have such a hard time with it?

I didn’t want to let go of my life. Reworking my entire life’s schedule cost me more than what some people can even imagine (unless you’re a big planner in a finally-established life). The reality that, instead of building my music studio, I would have to drop some students, threatened to tear my heart in two. Realizing that my writing would be even more limited than it is today overwhelmed me. Not to mention that the family-time I was learning to actively attain would be interrupted by college-work. Some people say I’m just preparing for the worst. My family knows me, though. They have seen me as I’ve struggled to overcome my work-obsession and they know the temptations that I’ll face with becoming a full-time student. Words fail to articulate the flood of thoughts that have passed through my mind in the last three weeks. It all boiled down to one thing, though: surrender.

This was a new angle of surrender that I didn’t even realize was needed in my life. In fact, I didn’t even realize that surrender was the issue until this week, when I texted all of my students’ parents to notify them of my fall plans. As soon as the last parent was texted and everyone now knew (and was wholly supportive of) the change in my schedule, I felt the calm peace that I had longed to accompany the assurance God had given me. It wasn’t the action of texting the parents that did it, though. It was because, as I was texting, I was also releasing it all to God. I had surrendered the writing-time. I had communicated with my family about my concerns about our limited time together. But until the point when I texted all of my student families, I hadn’t let them go in my heart. “Teaching is my life” was close to true for me, and I had refused to honestly acknowledge that I couldn’t do college and keep every single student. Last weekend when I was talking to my sister-in-law about it, she said, “So, you’ll just have to say, ‘God, You’ve got to work this out for me.’” I actually told her, “I’m scared to do that—what if He takes away the ones I don’t want Him to?” Yes, it was an issue of surrender.

In all of this, though, there has definitely been more than struggle and challenges. There is the assurance that where God leads, He will keep me. There is the beauty of seeing answered prayers. There is the incomparable comfort of Scripture. There is the blessing of the amazing support from everyone I know. There are the prayers of others on my behalf. There is the peace in knowing that God has clearly led me to take this step. There are so many, many things for which I’m daily grateful in this season of life. It has been hard (It would be a lie to not admit it), but it has also been a beautiful season. And, as I am going through it, I have seen others who are also experiencing this “season of change”—and it makes me grateful to know that none of us are in this alone. We have each other, but above that, we have God as our guide.

Nevertheless I am continually with thee: thou hast holden me by my right hand. Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel, and afterward receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever. For, lo, they that are far from thee shall perish: thou hast destroyed all them that go a whoring from thee. But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord GOD, that I may declare all thy works. Psalm 73:23-28

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On a personal note to my blog-readers, in saying all of this, blogging may be one of the things I need to cut out. For the next month, for sure, I'm going to be doing minimal blogging as I do have that deadline in which to get Algebra done (I'm hoping to test out of remedial math so I only have to do the one college Algebra required for a music major).